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Pirates |
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Reviewed by Mandi |
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5 OUT OF 5 BIMBOS |
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2005, Digital Playground, Directed by Joone Running time: 2 hrs 9 mins, 3-disc set |
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THE GIRLS: Jesse Jane, Carmen Luvana, Devon, Janine, Jenaveve Jolie, Austyn Moore, Teagan Presley THE BOYS: Evan Stone, Tommy Gunn, Scott Nails, Stephen St. Croix, Kris Slater |
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THE STUFF ON THE BOX: From the award-winning director, Joone, comes the biggest epic in the history of adult films: the electrifying Pirates. This swashbuckling adventure follows a deadly sea chase between a villainous pirate (Tommy Gunn) and a playboy pirate hunter (Evan Stone) through the bloody waters of the Caribbean Sea. This booty is filled with skeleton warrior swordplay, dirty pirate whores, awe-inspiring Incan magic, Jesse Jane in her first girl/girl scene with Janine and Carmen Luvana, grandiose sea battles, and ten of the most arousing sex scenes in the history of erotic cinema! THE SPECIAL FEATURES:
THE REVIEW: I reallly, really, really love Pirates! This movie has been out for a year now, an it's still one of the best out there. Pirates opens with two honeymooners, Isabella (Carmen Luvana) and Manuel (Kris Slater) on a sea cruise. After some decent honeymoon fucking, their ship is attacked by the evil pirate (you knew this was a pirate movie, right?), Victor Stagnetti (Tommy Gunn). For some strange reason, he kidnaps Manuel and tosses Isabella over the side of the ship. What a waste of a perfectly good bimbo... maybe he's gay? Anyway, nearby sails the ship of Captain I-Can't-Remember-His-Name - I'll call him "Captain Studmuffin" - played by my fave Fabio look-alike, Evan Stone. He's itching to get out there and hunt him some pirates, but he's a little unsure of himself,. Fortunately, he's got his excellent cocksucking first mate, Jules (Jesse Jane) to take care of all the, um - hard - stuff. They find floaty bimbo Isabella and rescue her (yay!) and decide to help her out by hunting down the evil pirates and getting her hubby back. So everyone makes it to this pirate port, and Stagnetti and his scurvy crew - along with his doesn't-look-like-she-has-scurvy-at-all first mate, Serena (Janine) - find out that Manuel is the key to finding a magic rod thingie that will let them have absolute rule-the-world power. But who cares about that, because Captain Studmuffin hooks up with a couple of bimbo slut wenches (Teagan Presley and Devon) and fucks them silly in one of my favorite scenes in the film. Jules finds a guy she used to fuck there (big shocker) played my Steven St. Croix, and gives him a roll in the hay for old time's sake. Unfortunately, this means she loses track of Isabella, who gets nabbed by some nasty looking pirates and force her to perform for them with (bigger shocker) another woman (Jenaveve Jolie)! After a while she gets into it and we get an excellent girl/girl scene all to cries of "Arr!" from the crowd. Bank to the plot, after Jules' ex attempts to kill Jules and Captain Studmuffin (he has issues) they both escape with the help of Studmuffin's mighty cock and one of the town whores. Both crews take off to the island where the super-secret Rod of Mightyness (tm) is, and Isabella takes the opportunity to show Jules what she's learned to do with her thumb in super-hot girl/girl scene number two. When the get to the island, Stagnetti unleashes the power of his rod (no, not that one, the one they went to find) and lots of CG skeletons pop up and everybody fights. Finally it's back to the ships, everyone shoots at each other, and the bad guys get defeated. Bad girl Serena has a change of heart, because it turns out all she really wanted out of life was to stick a couple of lit candles in Jules' pussy and ass! Pirates, with all of it's Hollywood-type glitz, is a great entry-level porn for those who had little or no experience with porn watching. Any good bimbo-in-training can learn form Jesse Jane's expert upside-down cocksucking skills and Carmen and Jenaveve's crowd-pleasing pussy humping. It's not the flithiest porn you'll ever see (no anal?) but it's an entertaining, funny movie with lots of hot sex. One important thing of note: Digital Playground just released a R-rated version of Pirates, which cuts down on most of the hot sex. Make sure when you get it that you get the full-on XXX version! |
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